June 15, 2024

The Force Awakens...Confusion: What Happens When a Non-Fan Directs a Star Wars Movie

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The Force Awakens...Confusion: What Happens When a Non-Fan Directs a Star Wars Movie

By Joel | June 15, 2024
A look into this amusing exploration of how a different perspective shakes up storytelling, character arcs, and fan expectations.

Picture this: a bustling Hollywood boardroom, filled with executives sipping overpriced lattes and scrolling through their smartphones. Suddenly, someone has a "brilliant" idea - "Let's shake things up and hire a director who's never seen Star Wars to helm the next installment!" Cue nervous laughter, followed by an unsettling silence as they realize it's not a joke.

Now, before you start planning your exile to Dagobah, let's explore the hilarious (and slightly terrifying) possibilities of what might unfold if this cosmic blunder were to actually happen. From lightsabers that double as kitchen utensils to dialogue that would make even Jar Jar Binks cringe, we're about to witness a galactic train wreck of epic proportions.

So, without further ado, let's dive into the 10 things that would inevitably happen if you let a non-Star Wars fan direct a Star Wars movie. May the Force have mercy on us all.

1. The Force Becomes a Plot Device for Everything

Imagine a director who thinks the Force is just a magical fix-it-all. Need to open a jar of pickles? Use the Force. Lost your keys? The Force will find them. The mystical energy field that binds the galaxy together would be reduced to a Swiss Army knife of convenience. The Force would be less about balance and more about everyday chores, turning Jedi into glorified handymen.

2. Lightsabers with Unnecessary Features

A non-fan might think, "Why stop at just a blade?" Expect lightsabers with built-in flashlights, Swiss Army knife attachments, and maybe even a bottle opener. Because who doesn't need a multi-tool in a galaxy far, far away? Imagine a climactic duel where one character pulls out a corkscrew from their lightsaber to open a bottle of space wine. Cheers to that!

3. Mispronunciations Galore

Prepare for a galaxy where "Han" rhymes with "can" and "Leia" is pronounced like "Leah." The director might even call Tatooine "Tattoo-ine." Fans will cringe, but at least it will be consistent. Imagine the confusion when characters start referring to "Darth Vay-der" and "Chew-bah-kah." It’s like a galactic game of telephone gone horribly wrong.

4. Random Cameos from Unrelated Franchises

Picture this: in the middle of a heated battle, Indiana Jones swings in, or E.T. makes a brief appearance. A non-fan director might think it's a fun Easter egg, but fans will be left scratching their heads. Imagine the Millennium Falcon being chased by the DeLorean from "Back to the Future." Great Scott, indeed!

5. Overly Earth-like Settings

Instead of exotic planets, we might get scenes set in places that look suspiciously like Central Park or the Sahara Desert. The director might think, "Why build a set when we have Earth?" The sense of otherworldliness would be lost. Imagine a pivotal scene taking place in a Starbucks, with stormtroopers ordering lattes. The galaxy far, far away suddenly feels a lot closer.

6. Dialogue That Misses the Mark

Expect lines like, "May the Force be with you, dude," or "I have a bad feeling about this... bro." The nuanced, often solemn dialogue of Star Wars could be replaced with casual, modern slang, making it feel more like a high school drama than an epic space opera. Picture Yoda saying, "Do or do not, there is no try, man."

7. Inappropriate Music Choices

Instead of John Williams' iconic score, we might get a soundtrack filled with pop hits or heavy metal. Imagine a lightsaber duel set to the latest chart-topping single. It might be entertaining, but it wouldn't feel like Star Wars. Picture the Death Star trench run with a dubstep beat. The Force is strong with this one... but the rhythm is questionable.

8. Character Arcs That Go Nowhere

A non-fan might not understand the importance of character development in Star Wars. We could see characters introduced with great fanfare, only to have their storylines fizzle out without resolution. Think of it as the cinematic equivalent of a cliffhanger that never gets a sequel. Imagine a new Sith Lord introduced in the first act, only to be forgotten by the third. Talk about a missed opportunity.

9. Ignoring Established Lore

The director might decide to "reinvent" the Star Wars universe, ignoring decades of established lore. Jedi might suddenly be able to fly, or the Sith could turn out to be misunderstood heroes. Fans would be left wondering if they accidentally walked into an alternate reality. Imagine a scene where Yoda reveals he’s actually a time-traveling alien from another dimension. Mind blown, but not in a good way.

10. A Complete Lack of Subtlety

While it might be amusing to see what a non-Star Wars fan would do with the franchise, it's probably best to leave the galaxy far, far away in the hands of those who truly understand and love it. After all, some things are sacred, even in the world of cinema.

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